Trigger warning: non-contact sexual abuse, grooming, emotional abuse.
By: Polina 13.2
The internet and social media are a huge part of our daily lives; it is a place where we can communicate with friends and loved ones, enjoy our favorite media, and follow our favorite musicians. However, with all its perks, the internet can be a dangerous place.
The bad side of the internet; we hear about it all the time in class or through lectures our parents give us. At some point, it does get tiring to hear the same thing about the big bad internet and all of its harmful effects - it is not an uncommon conversation to have, especially when it comes to our generation, who have always been exposed to it.
That said, people tend to underestimate just the amount of danger that lurks around the corner. Often the biggest type of danger comes in to comfort us when we are at our loneliest, most vulnerable. A danger that parades around as a silver lining.
“Grooming” is defined as befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse. A groomer can be an adult of any gender, job, or life experience. They can be your relative, or a stranger online. Most commonly though, grooming happens over the internet.
The worst thing about grooming is that when it starts, you don’t even notice it. At the start, it can feel like any ordinary type of relationship you’ve had in your short life. The groomer may come as a friend- they may have a nice name and share your interests. When it comes to online grooming, it can start as a friendly chat.
Firstly, it is important to establish the parties involved: there is a victim and the perpetrator. Most commonly, the victim of grooming is between 12-17 years old. The perpetrator is usually an adult- a person above the age of eighteen, who seeks out a relationship with a child online to fulfill their needs.
There tend to be six stages of grooming.
1. Targeting the victim
The groomer, oftentimes, chooses their victim depending on various circumstances, some of which can include how vulnerable the child is, what age they are. The victim may be going through tough times, either with their family, friends, environment, changing body, or just growing up. Life as a tween/teen can be stressful, and often, people are willing to take advantage of that. Become the shoulder to cry on. They may be attractive, funny, and smart. They may display the qualities we look for in a romantic partner; this is one of the things unique to the internet. It is incredibly easy to fake your identity- manufacture your personality from the ground up. If someone wants to display a certain image and appeal to a certain person, they can achieve that far easier than in real life. They may use that to their advantage later on in the relationship.
2. The bond
The adult gains trust and information; offenders may start asking questions about family life, gathering information about your whereabouts, your vulnerabilities, your doubts. They may establish a bond, a friendship with you that you didn’t know you needed. They may know your age, and you are aware of theirs, and find yourself excited to come home and open your messaging app.
3. Filling a need
There are times when kids want to be treated and seen as adults. It can be difficult to navigate a world that expects you to carry so many responsibilities yet have none of the perks of adult life. You are not trusted around alcohol, and you aren’t allowed to go out at any time you want.
The offender often knows of this. And so, you are congratulated for your “mature mind”. You are not like the other people your age - you are special. You are smart. You can talk about adult topics; you can pay attention to the *real* things. You are self-aware and look really good in those clothes. They may tell you their biggest secrets, their most vulnerable moments. They trust you - they treat you as an equal. They are your friends, someone you trust. They fulfil your need of wanting to be treated more seriously, your need for a friend or a partner. Any other type of need you have; they may fulfill it. They may start love bombing you - giving you compliments, perhaps buying you gifts, showering you in affection and attention. Become a source of joy.
4. Isolating the child
The sex offender may use the developing relationship with the child to isolate them. Point out the flaws in your friend group, your parents. Harness your negative feelings towards the world. No one understands you, you’re right. Except for them - they understand you because "they are not like the others". The abuser may create a dependency - you are now less likely to talk to your friends or family about the problems you are having- instead, you choose to consult the offender.
5. Abuse begins
Once the relationship is established, things may start to change. The offender may start asking for photos. They may start asking more intimate questions- crossing a boundary. Saying things and progress to see how the child reacts, to see if they can push further. From then point on, they may start exploiting the child sexually.
“When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child's sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in this way. The child comes to see himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship with the offender in more sexual and special terms,” states the Child Advocacy Centres of Alberta.
6. Maintaining control
After the abuse starts, the abuser may engage in a certain behavior to maintain their control of the child and continue the abuse. It may manifest as blaming, threats, emotional abuse, and self-victimization which can lead to them threatening to commit suicide if you bring up the idea of putting a stop to the relationship and exploiting your empathy. They may bring up mental health issues they may be having and blame you for the change in their demeanor towards you, blame you for their issues. They may blackmail you, using the things you have told them in private, or pictures you have sent, as a weapon against you. They may resume love bombing you or cut off all contact suddenly as the silent treatment.
Grooming is one of the many examples of how an imbalance of power, and how abuse of said power, can manifest, especially in online spaces. Groomers are very much aware of their position as adults, although they may act differently entirely and blame it all on their victims.
It is always important to remember that in cases of grooming, if an adult is taking advantage of you, it is not, in any way, your fault. As a child (under 18 years of age), you are not able to give consent to such relationships with adults- no matter if you, as a child, “initiated” it or not. It is always the adult’s responsibility not to harm the child, and not put the child in any danger. Offenders may blame the child for initiating the relationship, for “leading them on”. But think about it like this, if a child wants to jump into the fireplace, and asks an adult to help them- no matter how much they plead, it is the adult’s responsibility not to throw the child in the fireplace. And if they do end up throwing the child into the fireplace, it is certainly not the fault of the child.
Groomers take advantage of a young age and a naive mind, and they are the ones at fault. An adult, who has a job or a stable income, someone who pays their taxes and their rent, shouldn’t have any reason to text a kid they met online in between their classes, especially in any romantic or sexual way.
If you think you are being groomed- remember, it is not your fault.
You should consult a trusted teacher, a counselor, guardian, relative, or a parent about what is happening - telling people, even if you are not sure, is crucial.
It is also important not to delete any messages, screenshotting the conversations you have been having for proof. If you think someone you know is being groomed - consider talking to them, before telling their parents or a teacher.
So, when talking to people online, always be careful, because you never know someone’s true intentions at first glance. Make sure to try and document any interactions you have with strangers online, as well as avoid sending explicit images of yourself to anyone. Even if the person you are sending those images to is your age, those photos could be used against you in the future, they almost always are. It is also important to understand that if you are underage, by sending explicit photos of yourself, in the eyes of the law, you are spreading child pornography.
Online, people that may seem safe and welcoming, in reality, could be the opposite. If at any point you engage with adults sexually or romantically, remember, there is no reason why a twenty-something-year-old stranger should be texting a teen who still needs to ask permission in order to go to the bathroom.
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